Day 159: A Runner's Soul

I gots a runner's high.

Today started out awfully. I just about bashed myself in every aspect of my life possible. I wanted to scream, kick, fight and run. But I cried instead. 

Have you ever had those days where it seems like the entire world is out to get you, and no matter what you do you feel as if you can't win?

Today was one of those days.

I was miserable beyond miserable.

But then I talked to my best friend Stella, she always brightens my days.

And then I had a nice talk with my Mom, which helped a lot.

And then I went running.

Oh, running.

How I love you and everything you allow me to do.

You open me up to endless possibilities.

Placing one foot in front of the other and moving forward has never felt so good. It's like there's some force driving me forward, and it feels so right. Running itself doesn't fix things. It allows you to fix things. It allows you to be who you are meant to be because when you're running, you're nothing else but stripped down to yourself. You're free.

What is one thing that no one knows about you because no one cared to ask?

Let me think on this...

Day 158: Pain and Alone

So much pain it's like I can't breathe.

I feel so much fear for so many things. I'm terrified of my own life.

Today I found out a lot.

Even though my pain I have the ability to open up to love and compassion.

Because I want to live.

Turn to a entry in your journal from more then a year ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?

Well let's see. Last year at this time I was naive. More then I ever knew. I knew nothing about anything. I still don't know much, but I know more. I was blissfully unaware and well, happy. I was so excited about Alaska and going to Utah and everything was right. But things change. I changed. Who I am has changed beyond recognition. I think I have matured more then most people my age. I'm not going into detail, but I feel so much stronger now. Scared, terrified and small, but never weak. I don't want to be naive again. As scary as it is to be on shaky ground, it's freeing. It frees your soul and your life to be so scared. To face your fears allows you to develop and eventually (I hope), blossom. 

Day 158: Traveling Pants

(picture coming soon, once I get the hang of photoshop...I'm not satisfied with the edit)

Got an AWESOME pair of pants in the mail from my very best friend STELLA today.

She's awesome.

She got me pants from Spain :)

And they provided a load of inspiration, so I decided to do a shoot in them!

Name your most cherished childhood memory.

Camping. Pure camping. Waking up to the smell of Dad making pancakes and the smell of trees. My sleeping bag was so warm that I never wanted to leave. But I got up, had the best breakfast in the world, which I'm sure had some dirt and mosquitos cooked into it, and the day began. We would hike the waterfall trail, swimming in swimming holes along the way; or kayak out in the lake, chasing the beaver around; or head over to the "beach" for the day. No matter where we went, it was always an exploration to us kids, as I'm sure it was for the adults too! At the end of the day, we would come back and play in the "street", or the campsite loop. We'd have scooters and bikes and soccer balls and footballs and every toy known to man. We played and played until dinner was ready, then went and ate the best hot meal one can imagine. After dinner, by the time it was dark, we'd search for kindling and marshmallow sticks while my Dad and Uncle sawed the wood. We made a beautifully colored fire and roasted mallows and had s'mores. This was my favorite part of the day. Uncle Chris always had some sort of word game up his sleeve, and we'd talk, sing and laugh the night away until we simply couldn't keep out eyes open anymore. We were simply a happy family, and the togetherness around the campfire was our home.

Day 157: Photoshop...ugh...

So um, since it's been about 8 months since my last clash with Photoshop...I figured I should start anew. Soooo today I fiddled with Photoshop. I really don't like it. Why the heck is it so complicated?! This is one thing I have no patience for. But I'm going to sit it out and work at it. It just takes practice. So up there above is my first photo with Photoshop. Not very exciting, right? Well that took me about an hour...ugh...

Who was your first crush and what made them special?

Well. I won't mention any names...but I definitely swore I was in love with my brothers best friend when I was in first (or second?) grade. I specifically remember giving my friend, who was on the same bus as him, a love letter that I worked really, really hard on. I'm not sure what qualities I saw in him other then I thought he was cute. Oh and his brother (who was much, much older) was even cuter. Maybe I wanted to use him to get to his brother? I don't know my motives. But yeah, first crush :)

Day 156: When in doubt....

...take a picture of your dog right before you go to sleep...

...crap.

When was your last food craving and what did you crave?

Well let's see it was probably like an hour ago. I'm always hungry. Always. I kinda like food. I mean, I'm training for a triathlon, and my whole life I have been an athlete. I've got muscle, therefore I'm hungry! I'm like a pregnant woman, I swear, I'm just always hungry. Buttt I've got it down to a science how to be healthy and control eating habits. I'm a health freak, so I wouldn't let my eating get out of control anyways. But I guess one of the foods I constantly crave and could eat at any point within a 24 hour day is....CHOCOLATE! I love chocolate. YUM. My favorite is the dark, dark stuff, that's like 80% caoco. Shoot...brb to find some chocolate...

Day 156: Creek hoppin'

We found an EPIC creek spot today.

Leave it up to my family to go to the beach one day, and a creek the next. We're just always out for adventure :) 

It's absolutely the most beautiful spot ever. Filled with boulders and trees and a deep enough swimming hole. 

And of course jet planes (humungous horse flies), scum, and lot's of slippery rocks. 

But we had a blast.

What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed or stayed the same?

Well, I grew up going to Catholic school my whole life.

And I really didn't like it. Everything was too forced, and there was no leniency. If you questioned the Bible, or any teaching, you were wrong. I didn't like that. I don't like religions that force. That's where wars come from. 

So my religious beliefs now?

I'm spiritual.

I believe there's something/someone up there.

Whether you call him God or not, I believe there is some sort of greater being.

That's about all I have come up with. I don't know what else I believe, it's such a difficult entity to understand. I'm in the process.

I want to have a religion, I just haven't found one that "suits" me. 

I'm going to explore many religions, because I like religion in general. I think if it is used properly, and not taken in too strictly, that it is good. Religions can be used too much, and they can be used to little. 

I think it's best to find an in between.

And when I say too much, I mean that the religion is your whole life.

I believe the point of religion is to integrate it into your life, not to lead a separate religious life. 

When religion owns all else in your life, I can't agree.

There's gotta be flexibility.

This gets so iffy, and I could explain it for hours.

You're probably confused.

I'm confused....

Okay well let's just say no, I'm not religious and have never considered myself religious.

But I do want to find a religion one day.

Oh yeah, and one of my pet peeves: you people who go to church every Sunday and say "ohhh I'm so holy!" and then go out on weekdays and follow nothing you believe in, you bother me. You're the reason people doubt religions. You're hypocrites and liars. Don't bother going to church. Church is a commitment. A commitment to yourself and your God. And if you're not going to live out that promise, do not go to church until you've figured out where your priorities lie. 

That's directed towards many, many people in my life who have made me cynical (in the past) towards religion. I try my best not to judge people and call people out, but I'm big on promises, and people who break them don't stand well in my book.

Day 155: Beaches and becoming new

Jersey shore!

A place I have always loved, despite the overcrowded population of beach-goers, the polluted water, and the lack of waves. It was a childhood place that I have millions of great memories of. 

I went back today for the first time in two years. Two years! A place I visited multiple times every year has become a place I barely recognize because I haven't been there in years. 

But it was still the same old, same old:

family, pushing each other out of the intertube, laughing like a hyena and not being able to breathe, teasing (lots of teasing...), walking down to Corson's Inlet Point and going out on the sandbar, amazing lunches that are only average when you're anywhere but the beach, absolutely no sitting still for eight straight hours, digging for sandcrabs, digging a hole for no apparent reason or just to play in, and more laughing.

I love the beach, and as sad as it is, and as much as it relates to the rest of my life: it's time to move on.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do later if you changed your mind?

Alright look. I've got minimal self-confidence right now. Minimal. Tiny. Miniscule. Practically non-existent. And as much as I want to go on and on and on about my outer and inner appearance, I have to believe I'm getting somewhere. I have to believe that all these traits I believe to be flaws right now are traits that will help who I am in some way, shape or form, and help me to come out to the person I am meant to be. It might be years until I like myself, and years until I know a little bit about myself, but I am going to consistently tell myself that this is who I am, or this is a trait that's going to change me into who I am going to be. Everything is changing, and if I seriously find a trait of mine to be irksome and absolutely negatively affecting me I hope I can have the willpower to know this and attempt to change it.  As many times I have cried myself to sleep, and as many times as I have just wanted to simply be someone else, I have to realize that this is all part of who I am becoming. It's so hard, and so scary, and about 50% of my day I spend wishing I could just push it all away. But the other half of me realizes that instead of pushing these characteristics of myself and all my fears, I have to invite them into my head as a friend. It's part of me, it's part of life, and as much as it sucks to go through, I'm going through it. So I don't want to change anything about myself right in this very moment. I'm evolving so much that if I could change one thing, I'll end up being a different person.