Day 156: Creek hoppin'

We found an EPIC creek spot today.

Leave it up to my family to go to the beach one day, and a creek the next. We're just always out for adventure :) 

It's absolutely the most beautiful spot ever. Filled with boulders and trees and a deep enough swimming hole. 

And of course jet planes (humungous horse flies), scum, and lot's of slippery rocks. 

But we had a blast.

What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed or stayed the same?

Well, I grew up going to Catholic school my whole life.

And I really didn't like it. Everything was too forced, and there was no leniency. If you questioned the Bible, or any teaching, you were wrong. I didn't like that. I don't like religions that force. That's where wars come from. 

So my religious beliefs now?

I'm spiritual.

I believe there's something/someone up there.

Whether you call him God or not, I believe there is some sort of greater being.

That's about all I have come up with. I don't know what else I believe, it's such a difficult entity to understand. I'm in the process.

I want to have a religion, I just haven't found one that "suits" me. 

I'm going to explore many religions, because I like religion in general. I think if it is used properly, and not taken in too strictly, that it is good. Religions can be used too much, and they can be used to little. 

I think it's best to find an in between.

And when I say too much, I mean that the religion is your whole life.

I believe the point of religion is to integrate it into your life, not to lead a separate religious life. 

When religion owns all else in your life, I can't agree.

There's gotta be flexibility.

This gets so iffy, and I could explain it for hours.

You're probably confused.

I'm confused....

Okay well let's just say no, I'm not religious and have never considered myself religious.

But I do want to find a religion one day.

Oh yeah, and one of my pet peeves: you people who go to church every Sunday and say "ohhh I'm so holy!" and then go out on weekdays and follow nothing you believe in, you bother me. You're the reason people doubt religions. You're hypocrites and liars. Don't bother going to church. Church is a commitment. A commitment to yourself and your God. And if you're not going to live out that promise, do not go to church until you've figured out where your priorities lie. 

That's directed towards many, many people in my life who have made me cynical (in the past) towards religion. I try my best not to judge people and call people out, but I'm big on promises, and people who break them don't stand well in my book.

Day 155: Beaches and becoming new

Jersey shore!

A place I have always loved, despite the overcrowded population of beach-goers, the polluted water, and the lack of waves. It was a childhood place that I have millions of great memories of. 

I went back today for the first time in two years. Two years! A place I visited multiple times every year has become a place I barely recognize because I haven't been there in years. 

But it was still the same old, same old:

family, pushing each other out of the intertube, laughing like a hyena and not being able to breathe, teasing (lots of teasing...), walking down to Corson's Inlet Point and going out on the sandbar, amazing lunches that are only average when you're anywhere but the beach, absolutely no sitting still for eight straight hours, digging for sandcrabs, digging a hole for no apparent reason or just to play in, and more laughing.

I love the beach, and as sad as it is, and as much as it relates to the rest of my life: it's time to move on.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do later if you changed your mind?

Alright look. I've got minimal self-confidence right now. Minimal. Tiny. Miniscule. Practically non-existent. And as much as I want to go on and on and on about my outer and inner appearance, I have to believe I'm getting somewhere. I have to believe that all these traits I believe to be flaws right now are traits that will help who I am in some way, shape or form, and help me to come out to the person I am meant to be. It might be years until I like myself, and years until I know a little bit about myself, but I am going to consistently tell myself that this is who I am, or this is a trait that's going to change me into who I am going to be. Everything is changing, and if I seriously find a trait of mine to be irksome and absolutely negatively affecting me I hope I can have the willpower to know this and attempt to change it.  As many times I have cried myself to sleep, and as many times as I have just wanted to simply be someone else, I have to realize that this is all part of who I am becoming. It's so hard, and so scary, and about 50% of my day I spend wishing I could just push it all away. But the other half of me realizes that instead of pushing these characteristics of myself and all my fears, I have to invite them into my head as a friend. It's part of me, it's part of life, and as much as it sucks to go through, I'm going through it. So I don't want to change anything about myself right in this very moment. I'm evolving so much that if I could change one thing, I'll end up being a different person.

Day 154: Thunderstorms make my heart go BOOM

We had two HUGE storms roll through today, and it was fabulous. I love storms. I don't know what it is, but they fill me with glee. As soon as I heard the first one coming, I ran upstairs to put on a little makeup and throw on a dress, I knew I had always wanted to do a self shoot in the rain. I started shooting as it started to drizzle and then BAM, the storm hit. And when I say the storm hit, it hit. It nailed, hammered and demolished. Phew, it was kinda scary. So I ran back inside after only a few shots. After that storm I got the majority of my shots, while it was still drizzling, and while the sky was still somewhat dark. The next storm then rolled through, and I put my camera away and pranced through the puddles, staring up at the sky and wondering how this storms come to be (I don't mean scientifically). 

List your bad habits/addictions, and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.

Nyquil: yes I had a Nyquil problem, but I swear it was only for two weeks! It was during school when I had insomnia problems. I haven't taken it for more then one night since, and I have insomnia problems now! The way I rid myself was I just kinda stopped...I guess I wasn't on it long enough to be truly addicted...

Coffee: Yes. I had a severe addiction. Like 6 cups a day addiction for four years. But I don't necessarily think coffee is a bad thing, I just think it's unhealthy to have too much of anything, plus with the way I stress over things I figured more caffeine was only a bad thing. So I slowed down majorly on the coffee, again, just by simply slowing down and stopping. 

Criticizing other people: This one is in the process of being minimized as much as possible. Everyone judges, but I want to try to do it as little as possible. People could find a million things wrong with me, and I don't want to find a million things wrong with someone else. It's possible to love someone, flaws and all, and criticizing them on every little thing is not going to allow you to love someone. Even if you think criticism is a good thing, because it means you care, coming from me...I can't fully agree with that. Criticism when it truly is helpful is good, but criticizing someone's life entirely...that's wrong. 

Criticizing myself: This might be my worst habit. I criticize myself anytime I can. In my own mind, I can do no right. I beat myself up about everything. I really do. I hate that I do, and I don't know why I do, other then I don't like myself too much. Again, this is a long process to slow this down, and what I'm doing is, well, flicking myself with a rubber band every time I have a bad thought. Hey, it works. 

Facebook: To stop this, I simply deactivated my Facebook. Easy, peezy, lemon squeezy.

Day 153: Coloring and Wondering

Yes I colored today. My Mom and I bought coloring books and crayons at the craft store yesterday...because we wanted to color.

I'm convinced that craft stores bring out the best of people.

What music album would be used for a soundtrack of your life?

Oh oh oh I wanna answer this so bad.

I always think about songs that would fit into my life so perfectly.

I don't think I could choose one single soundtrack though.

So I'm going to do a bunch of songs :)

1. Fearless by Taylor Swift (Ahhh, cliche, I know I know!)

2. The Littlest Birds by The Be-Good Tanyas

3. Letter to Me by Brad Paisley

4. This is Country Music by Brad Paisley

5. The More Boys I Meet by Carrie Underwood

6. Every Mile a Memory by Dierks Bentley

7. Wide Open Spaces by Dixie Chicks

8. Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder

9. Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

10. 5 More Hours by the Gabe Dixon Band

11. Loser Like Me by Glee

12. Wild at Heart by Gloriana

13. I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

14. Rocky Mountain High by John Denver

15. Without You by Keith Urban

16. American Honey by Lady A

17. Drop to Hold You by Matt Nathanson

18. Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade

19. Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf

20. Dancing Queen by ABBA

21. New Strings by Miranda Lambert

22. Rhythm of Love by Plain White T's

23. I won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts

24. What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

25. Someday by Rob Thomas

26. Who Says by Selena Gomez

27. Courage is by The Strange Familiar

28. Little Miss by Sugraland

29. Hey Stephen by Tswift

30. I'd Lie by Tswift

31. Still by Tim McGraw

32. Hey Soul Sister by Train

33. Free by Zac Brown Band

Yup that's them. Every single one of those songs is attached to a memory for me. Whether it be from an amazingly perfect day where we sang this song over and over in the car, or a sad song to remind me of someone I miss, or if it's a song that got me through a tough period in life, each of these songs have been a soundtrack to my life.

Day 152: Puppies Puppies Puppies

How cute are they?! Come'on. Come'on. Admit and give into their absolute cuteness. It overwhelms you how adorable they are. Okay I'll stop. But they really are cute :)

Bella, Shortbread and Izzie.

My girls :)

Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.

The most absolute, one hundred percent, positively USELESS thing I own is the blue cow "key-holder" I received for my "birthday" in Alaska. Only seven other people can truly understand what this is. Let me just say it brought a lot of laughs last summer :)

Day 151: Gluten-free and feeling-free!

Yup.

Gluten-free.

That's the new me!

I don't know why I'm doing it, I thought it can't hurt, right?

My brother is gluten intolerant and lactose intolerant.

But I'm being intolerant by choice.

Just for...fun.

So anyways, I kicked my new nutrition plan off my making a yummy salad with tons of different greens, cucumbers from our garden, organic blueberries from Jersey, organic strawberries from California and almonds!

...Zing!!!

And to top it off, Stella's Mom's epic salad dressing!!

...double zing!!

What five websites do you visit often and why?

Facebook used to be number one. But it's gone...for now.

so...

1. StumbleUpon: Truth be told, Stumbling has found me some pretty awesome and useful things. I find books on there, writing tips, photography ideas, tons and tons of GF and Vegetarian recipes, exercise routines, well-being information, and stuff I actually use in real life. So I like it. That's why I use it. But I do try to limit myself...

2. Blogspot: for obvious reasons....

3. MSN Hotmail: I do send out emails regularly, whether it be for school, for internships, jobs, family, friends, random strangers, and well, a lot. So I use it to keep in touch with people, and to ask questions.

4. BBC News: Well, I haven't been keeping up with this site as much, but during the school year I read the news every morning before class. I figure that European view on world news is slightly less biased the US news, that's why I like this site (plus their awesome accents, duh!).

5. Weather.com: I like to check the weather across the US a lotttttt.... 

Day 150: Bubble Baths, I love my toes, and Journal Prompts

Today, I took a bath. It was fantabulous. I used lavender bubble-bath stuff (but it didn't really make bubbles /: ) and had incense and candle and Buddhas. And classical music. And a good book :)

It was fantabulous.

And, I found this site with Journal Prompts. 80 of them. So from now on, every day I will answer one of the journal prompts. Some are in-depth and deep, and some are yes or no.

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Well, I mean, I guess I have technically given away my home. I moved out and where I grew up was my home, but it's not anymore. It's weird going somewhere you used to belong and realizing it's no longer a place to retreat to, to hide, or to feel comforted. I gave away that comfort by leaving home. I made that choice to go away to school. I mean, sooner or later my parents would have kicked me out (it's the truth), but ultimately it was my choice, and something I needed and wanted to do. And the place you grow up can never be replaced. Ever. You can have multiple homes and multiple places and even multiple families, but only that one place where you were innocent and carefree.

Day 149: None

1. Some people will think that it's okay to judge you....try not to be like them, and ignore them.

2. No one cares about the two weeks you spent in Europe/Asia/America, stop bragging about it.

3. Being successful mans something different to each person...respect that.

4. Don't complain about your life because you don't have the car or house that you wanted...being unlucky means something else.

5. You are not as weird as you think you are...everyone feels a little different than the rest.

6. You can't get rid of your fears, but you can learn to live with them.

7. Good imagination is a sign of great intelligence.

8. Guilt is a useless emotion.

9. You don't need anyone's permission to do what you feel is right for you.

10. Overanalyzing will lead you to the wrong conclusions.

11. Fun is a relative concept.

12. No one is keeping track of how many times you screw up, so chill the fuck out.

13. Random thought: We put our children in closed rooms staring at a wall and pretend they're learning about life.

14. There will always be prettier and uglier people than you. 

15. Accept the fact that you will screw up while tryng to come up with something new, and it will be a lot easier.

16. Surround yourself with things and people that inspire you.

17. Your salary doesn't determine how good of a person you are.

18. You don't need to put up with anybody's crap.

19. Things that are hard to say are usually the most important.

20. Find someone with whom you can laugh about everything and the rest will be fine.

21. Being normal is probably the lamest thing you can try to be.

22. Challenge yourself a little bit everyday.

23. Someday you will miss today.

24. Your family problems aren't yours.

25. No one will grant your wishes...you better make them happen.

26. Do as if there is no chance of failing.

27. Rushing is never a good idea.

28. People cry not because they're weak, but because they've been strong for too long.

29. Sometimes the people who act the happiest are the ones going through the most.

30. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.

31. Learning to ignore things is one of the greatest paths to inner peace.

32. The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter.

33. Art makes everything awesome.

Not my picture, not my quotes. 

I take no credit.

Today just doesn't feel like a 365 day.

It feels like a swim in a perfect swimming hole in a perfect creek with your brothers, cousins and dog day.

Day 148: Soccer Games and Naps

Real Madrid vs. Philly Union

2-1

Epic game. 

And Ronaldo? Well, he da man.

Day 147: BRAD PAISLEY!

gosh. amazing night. so wonderful.

contrary to my last post, this night was one of the most epic nights of my life, chosen by me.

i love country music.

Day 146: Inviting my Demons over for Dinner

My god it's like my soul is on fire, turning over and over again as it wakes up in a fury of third degree burns singeing and threatening to kill. 

Unrest. Anger. And pure frustration.

Everything I have been figuring out has become clearer to me.

My life, my wonderful life, has not been my own. 

All I care about is other people (hear me out before you judge).

My life is made up of the opinions of my parents, friends, family.

All I care about is impressing you, my readers, my photography fans, my facebook stalkers, and my family and friends.

I make my life look perfect. I make my life look like a dream, when really inside all I'm doing is screaming. Everything is wrong, everyone is wrong, but I hide it so well. Too well.

I wanted someone to somehow notice, and ask me if anything was wrong. Well that was mistake number one. It's not that no one cared, it's that I depended on people for too long.

I never cared about myself, I don't even KNOW myself.

Don't get me wrong, I have had some incredible experiences. I have done some incredible things and I have some extremely significant people in my life. But never for me. I never included me on those vacations and trips and adventures. I was never there.

"Oh I have been through some tough experiences, but I always overcome". I never even knew what the word tough meant.

My god, what some people have overcome in their life is absolutely terrifyingly amazing. I never knew tough until I met myself.

I can't believe I am putting this out there, putting this for you to read.

But I am struggling to overcome this need to find comfort in the satisfaction of others. 

I am struggling to trust myself and find myself.

Yeah, yeah yeah, I know your exact thoughts: "19 years old, just left home and struggling to find herself...cliche!!"

Yeah well, whatever. 

No, no, I'm not taking an "I don't care about you, I'm full of myself" route.

I'm taking a "Thank you more then life for your compliments, thank you for believing in me, my photos, my talents, but the only person I need to please is myself" route.

Look, if there's anything you get out of this blog post, is to talk to yourself. Worry about yourself. Love your friends, love your family, but if you're going to love ANYONE in the world, love yourself.

I am in NO position to give advice on this.

None whatsoever. Don't listen to me if you want.

But I know if I had loved myself, and even knew one thing about myself in the past few years, I would be able to love others much, much more. 

So here goes (can't believe myself, being all vulnerable and all): My biggest fear?

...knowing myself.

I am scared shitless (pardon) of who I am.

I don't know who I am.

What if I'm a crazy murderer?

What if I'm a mean, evil villain?

What if, deep down, I am a lonesome soul who will never find happiness?

What if I am bombarded by what if's for the rest of my life?

What if I can't get over my fears?

What if I never accept myself?

Scared shitless, again.

Now, let me take a guess. 

One guess, that I'm not the only one going through this.

One guess, that you're as scared as I am.

Scared for your future, and scared about who you are.

I mean, aren't we all scared?

Aren't we all running from something, putting it in the back of our minds as if it doesn't exist?

Isn't fear what motivates us to do anything and everything?

We work because we fear we'll be poor.

We impress because we fear to be hated.

We hide negative emotions because we fear being ridiculed for our "sensitivity".

Look, again, not trying to lecture. That's one of my traits: trying to turn something awful/negative/bad into something good, or some sort of lesson (well I mean, I guess all experiences are a lesson in themselves though).

I need to just let bad things be. They're part of life. No really, but they are.

This post is about me, and directed to me, not you (no offense).

I'm going to be more selfish.

Not a greedy, mean selfish, but a I-care-about-my-well-being selfish.

So first on the list? 

Deactivating Facebook.

Seeya. Gone. Buh-bye.

I'm going to try it for one week, and see how it goes.

I need some me time, without everyone opinionizing (I know it's not a word) me. 

I love you all dearly, but even your compliments scare me.

Second on the list?

Not sure.

Me time?

Vacation?

Standing up for myself by not doing something that I think I SHOULD do?

(Should is a word that needs to be eliminated from my vocabulary).

It's about what I want to do from now on.

If I want to go on Outward Bound, I'll do it to impress myself, not anyone else.

If I want to volunteer in Alaska, I'll do it to impress myself, not anyone else.

If I want to go to SCAD, I'll do it for my love of photography, and I'll make the salary I want to make, and I'll create my own future.

And anything I don't want to do, I won't do it.

Gosh it sounds so simple now that I typed it out.

The best thing about this post, it scares me shitless (pardon again) to write it, but you know what, I'm not  going to pretend I don't fear anymore, or that this was easy to overcome.

Overcoming a hike, eh, not so scary.

Overcoming a brutal soccer game, eh, not so bad.

Overcoming expressing my emotions? Holy SHIT, shut the front door, mother father, I'm scared.

This post was written for me and only me.

...But I'm going to let you in on it because, well, that's my new thing apparently, telling people how I feel.

I'm no attention whore blogging about my problems for sympathy.

I mean, well, I kinda was a attention whore.

But I'm changing! Well, I'm attempting to change.

I'll post this as my Facebook status (before deactivation) and probably check back every three min to see who commented and said "Sam you're so brave!!".

No, I'm really not.

If I were brave, I'd call my Mom and tell her how I don't want to play soccer this fall because I only wanted to play to impress her and Dad.

Trust me, I'm not brave.

I'm scared shitless, but nevertheless, I'm inviting my demons in.

And it's going to be a long life making peace with them.

PS: Hey all you wonderful people in my past who I have treated like dirt, I'm sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for ditching you in a canoe; sorry for being mad at you even on your birthday; and sorry for letting you get away from me by thinking you never cared. It's not that no one cared. It's that I was afraid to let you in, because if I couldn't trust myself, how could I trust you? Again, I'm sorry. And sorry to anyone else I have ever hurt even in the slightest. You were right.

Day 150: Look Around

:)

Day 149: Pretty much sums it up.

Figuring out so much in my life right now. So much. Wow.

Day 148: Fresh Veggies!

yeahhhh this was taken on my phone...

Day 147: MUD

The Merrell Down and Dirty 10k!

I did it!

I ran my longest race EVER today! 6.2 miles woohoo :)

And I took eighth place in my age group, out of a few hundred people!

I was pretty excited, because this race was done to prepare me for my upcoming triathlon, and since I did so well with a 10k, I feel as if I am prepared for the tri! 

And the best part was that I got 6+ hours of sleep the night before, and overslept my alarm, so we got to the race about 15 minutes before it started. I barely warmed up, yet I had such a good race. I came home and ate like a madwoman even though I had a huge breakfast. I was SOO hungry! I have never been that hungry! I guess you burn thousands of calories...

PS- Thanks to my parents who were there at the race (with my dog!) to cheer me on and support me when no one else "could" (:

Day 146: Warrior Princess

Yeahh. I am always the guinea pig at the Kita's house (my cousins!). They had just got back from Ecuador and Kenna wanted to paint my face with some Ecuadorian plant that they smuggled back. So, of course, I gave in. Thank GOD it wasn't permanent. Phew. Dodged a bullet there...

Anyways, we were there because my cousin Adam is going to Alaska tomorrow for a Student Conservation Association crew! Just like I did last summer! I am so proud! Except I was in Eagle last year and Adam will be in Denali. But he is going to be doing trail work, and essentially having the time of his life :) I am so so so excited!

Day 145: Climbing and New Adventures

So I kind of consider myself an outdoor enthusiast. I hike, kayak, canoe, camp, backpack, swim in rivers/creeks/oceans, dogsled, cross-country ski, downhill ski, snowboard, trail run, whitewater raft, stand up paddle board, star gaze, and I just enjoy even standing outside. So you, know, just kind of an outdoor enthusiast. But there's one outdoor event that has always made me nervous: climbing. I'm not a huge fan of heights, and the thought of placing my life on the fate of one single rope about two inches thick is kinda, sorta...scary. But in the past few months, I started bouldering, a form of climbing that doesn't take you too far from Earth's surface...at least not far enough for any tragic and long falls. It's something new and different in my life, something I am trying to tackle and become good at...because I am always attempting to better myself at anything and everything. Yeahhhh, I'm kind of a perfectionist...no, but I really am. Being a natural athlete has it's perks, because I can conquer almost any physical feat I try...sometimes without even trying. But going into the real world with that kind of view, that I have to be good at everything, isn't going to fly. At all. I can't be good at everything. No one can. And recently I'm finding out what I'm not good at, and it's terrifying. Finding that I have (gasp) flaws hurts my poor, sheltered ego. I'm not trying to sound stuck up, if you know me I am not stuck up at all, I'm just saying that my life used to revolve around sports, something I was good at. Now my life has to revolve around something else, things I am not naturally good at (such as relationships, emotions and all the more important things in life), and it's hard to adjust.

But sometimes, you just have to put your entire life residing on a two inch thick rope, and just go with it, not looking down the whole way.

Day 144: HARRRRRRRY POTTER!

YES YES YES!

The day has come. 

So freaking excited.

Day 143: Flowers sent too late

Today I wrote a letter. A very blunt, possibly mean, but honest letter. A letter spoke on emotions I have never expressed before. It was full of anger and frustration, but it was purely honest. It might change my life, it might keep my life the same, but it all depends on the person's reaction. 

Day 138: Missing you

holy hell i never knew you could miss someone like this.

Day 141: Organization

Today I organized. I love being organized. I love having everything important in life written down and somewhere where I know it is.

Alright so, top left: box full of my personal treasures, things that mean the world to me. Next (going to the right), stuffed animals :). Next my whole living journal and to do list. Next sunglasses and phone. Next the book I am reading "When things fall apart". Next row: triathlete magazine. Next old, old Vanity Fair magazines that I use for photography inspiration. Next the box that Kristen bought for me last year. It's an antique! Next my books on meditation because I am trying to learn meditation! Next all my SCAD stuff. Lot's of paperwork and scholarship and soccer stufffff....ya know. And last but not least my trusty trusty laptop! 

And it's all on my favorite UTAH blanket!! :)

Day 140: Talking with Tor

Did a shoot with my good friend Tor tonight! It was a ton of fun, full of colors and excitement. The flowers absolutely glistened in the late sunlight, creating a yellow that not many people take the time to see in life. Again, this shoot confirmed for the millionth time in my life that I love this time of day: sunset. Nothing is ever wrong at sunset. Ever. Life is perfectly perfect and time stands still.

I have a love full of colors.

Day 139: Fancy Dresses and Boredom

Did a extremely fun self-shoot today! The pictures didn't come out greaaat, but it was fun, and I like the photos :) The dress is going to be used for a future shoot that I haven't planned yet, and it has been hanging in my room for months now...I just couldn't let it go to waste one more day :) SO I played dress up for a day :)

Day 137: Not so Love-ly

Why can't all love be the same as a dogs love? Simple, pure, no pain, and no strings attached.

Day 136: Oh man

So lately, the only time I take pictures is when I am out with my dog on a walk. I mean, I'm technically taking the pictures, but I don't feel like it really counts, because I am just taking macros of lots of plants. So I'll step it up, deal?